Count your lucky stars folks, I almost didn't survive to make this post. You see there was this giant, blood thi-...ah better yet, I'll just let the pictures tell the story:
It was a typical, sunny day here in sleepy old Fort McPherson.
Up was up, down was down, and powerlines crossed every whichway! Oh what a time to be alive! But that was all to change. Something was stirring in the air. Something just wasn't right.
Then I saw it.
Instantly, I knew he wasn't there to sell magazines. In a paranoid rage, I was all like, "Step off!", and he was all like "Stop looking at me swan." Confused, I shouted back "Hey man! Quit the jibba jabba! Can't you see that I am not a swan!?" He didn't respond. Already, I could tell that he knew he had got inside my head. Was I a swan? What's a swan anyways? I didn't even know anymore.
For reference, here's my head:
Soon, he had recruited more buddies, and they had formed a murder of ravens.
I'd like to say I handled it in stride and didn't show any fear, but what can I say, I freaked! What was I gonna do?! All hope was lost.
I heard someone shout out, "Won't someone think of the children!!?"
(He's being terrorized)
A BBQ was being ruined!
(Yeah...no it's being ruined, really)
But soon, despite my lifelong ignoring of them, it was to be the seaguls who would come to my aid on this day!:
As you can see, things quickly escalated from that point on. No human or vehicle was to be spared!
Some inspirational music began playing so I thought for sure we were going to be okay. I even tried to throw out some witty one-liners to demoralize the ravens, but I was so nervous and scared that nothing came to mind! Things only got worse from there, because the music had changed over to the theme song from That's So Raven.
I knew this was a bad sign.
Sadly, my best friend and guardian of the wild, Seagullian IV, was killed during the altercation.
So then it came down to just me and him. Raven. The Raven.
Oh sure he looks bashful, maybe even a little cute, staying partially hidden behind that stump. But he's a monster I tell you! Beware, for he may be closer to you than you think! He has begun adapting human characteristics, in an attempt to blend in with the humans. Here he is "celebrating" Christmas:
Looks convincing doesn't it?? But it you look closely, you can find flaws in his charade. That's right, he's sober! No self-respecting person would remain sober on Christmas Day. Nice try heathen!
So then, after confiding with my comrades and the local authorities...
...I had devised a plan. A plan so devious only Satan himself could think of something so good!
Cautiously, I gave him a piece of food. Turns out that's all he wanted anyway! He should have just asked.
And then he flew away, but not before he reared his head around and slyly remarked..."Nevermore!" and then cackled as he flew away with a strut like only a raven could.
Damn, why couldn't I have thought of that line during the fight? I think it's the only quote I know that has anything to do with ravens. Oh well, next time I guess.
(Today's post is dedicated to the memory of Seagullian IV. You've gone to a better trash pile, friend.)