Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Tuesday night phone conversations...

So my girlfriend and I had a discussion tonight...and I was left feeling very....unresolved. We had to leave it at the pathetically pacifistic conclusion of "agree to disagree I guess!"

Okay so here's the scenario:
**any changes in the wording of following discussion, while likely to be in my favour, are completely unintentional

Anyway, my gf mentioned something about her nose being really irritated, and I mentioned that perhaps it was from her sniffing so much tobacco. Somehow, she took offence to this, claiming that she doesn't snort tobacco. She claimed she doesn't associate with tobacco at all. AT ALL! Oh sure I believed her...but I had to be sure...
So I ran her through just about every tobacco related product I could think of: using a hookah, using tobacco to feed the fire, pass somebody a solitary cigarette, buying a person a pack of smokes as their dying wish, etc etc etc...
Nuh uh she proclaimed.
I will never touch tobacco! she would go on to trumpet.

Naturally, I took it one step further.

"What were in the bathroom, crippled with horrible diarrhea, and I was lying in bed smoking a cigar and I just happened to be wearing a t-shirt made of tissue paper and then I fell asleep. Then, because you had taken some Pepto-Bismol, you returned to the bedroom and saw me with a lit cigar smoldering on my tissue paper t-shirt, about to BURST INTO FLAMES, and I was sound asleep...WHAT WOULD YOU DO!???!

She first had some bizarre questions about why on Earth did she have such horrible diarrhea, why was I smoking a cigar in bed, and why was I wearing a tissue paper t-shirt.

Being the great person that I am, I allowed these questions and even answered them:
1)...okay I will come back to this

2) My favourite basketball team won the NBA championship! I had to smoke a celebratory cigar.

3) I was eating wings earlier in the night and was so excited about the championship that I couldn't possibly be expected to remove my tissue paper t-shirt. Hey come on, I bet there's a place out there with tissue paper t-shirts.

back to 1) She had diarrhea because she was also so excited about the NBA championship that it caused her to have rampant indigestion.

Now that those were out of the way...I asked her again: WHAT WOULD YOU DO!?!
She said something about just throwing a glass of water on me.

I know. How conveeeeeeeeeeeenient that there just happened to be a glass of water nearby. Yeesh.

Anyway, I gave her that one. But then, theoretically anyway, the fire department would call to see what had happened to see if everything was taken care of. She said the fire was all out. But then, and quite smartly I might add, the fire fighter asked her if she had removed the source of the fire...aka the cigar. She then said that if that was the exact scenario that YES, she would PICK UP THE (tobacco filled) CIGAR!

See! I knew she would crack!!

And yes, I too wonder why she still talks to me sometimes. Actually, make that all the time.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Time for celebration!...sort of.

2 things:

The Friendship Centre (bearer of the often loathed, occasionally loved weight room) obtained new weights! True, it's just a couple of 10lbs plates...but these things could be pioneers of the Weight Room Revolution that will no doubt take place in the near future! I don't think I could be more exact in my predictions.
Now to do something about that lack of heat...

And you may have figured out via my last post and it's inclusion of snowy's getting cold here!
A negative for some, a positive for others...I see it as a chance to give people insight into my aching soul. How so? Well normally when I wear my glasses people just see me as "That bald guy wearing glasses". But now...with the cold weather...I can wear a toque! Relevance?
Feel the angst:

Now people will no doubt see me as "That artsy guy who I want to be just like". Give or take a few words and meanings.

Praise to winter!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

I'm perfectly comfortable with my level of maturity...


It's snowing!!
Today is the first day of legitimate snow here in Fort Simpson for this year and I'm not going to subdue my excitement!

My hands must have been shaking and all over the place when I tried to snap a shot as I left the house for work this morning...hence the misplaced finger.

I'm sure this dusting won't stick around for long but it does mean that the heavy snowfall won't be too fall away...which means snowshoeing, skiing, increased snowcone production, etc etc etc

That is all.

You may now go back to your regular scheduled internet browsing.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Things you may not have known about Fort Simpson...

Seeing as how Fort Simpson isn't exactly the most talked about or most well known community in the North...I thought I'd take the chance to look at some of the little locations and quirks that make Fort Simpson the awesome place that it is!

To begin with...we shall look at something that, in its time, was surely one of the great engineering marvels on the New World. A building that has fallen into disrepair, but at one time it would have entertained the masses (err...sizable portions) of Fort Simpsonites!

Behold...the (former) Fort Simpson movie theatre! maybe it's not what you were expecting.

As you can probably guess...this place hasn't been in operation at any point in the year and a half I've been a Simpson resident. I have heard from lots of (slightly) older residents that they remember going on dates at the theatre is years past.
The place does have a purpose still...albeit a much less exciting one. unit!
Nogha Enterprises (local construction) stores extra materials and old equipment in there now. With a bit of imagination you can still visualize what it would have been like as a theatre though. You can still see remnant of the screen:

and if you head upstairs and to the can see where the projector room was (and might I say, it's still in MINT condition):

(boy those projectionists sure had a funky sense of style)

And I know what you're thinking...LESS TALKING, MORE REOPENING OF THIS MARVELOUS PLACE...alas, there be some structural issues:

So...unfortunately it would appear that won't be happening anytime soon.

It's definitely an unassuming building upon first glance but still a neat bit of (recent) history in Fort Simpson.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Something I have learned... NOT go dog walking on a Sunday evening in the Fall while living in the Northwest Territories. Or at least not without a leash. Or at the very least, a piece of extension cord to restrain your 4 legged beast(s).
Reason being?... Rampant decapitations and dismemberment of course!

Fortunately, it is not the blood of humans being spilled, but rather that of our arch rivals...THE MOOSE!

Just about everyone and their uncle's barber has shot a moose in the past couple of weeks so it's not uncommon to find blood splatter or "fresh" sets of antlers on the side of the road. For me, and people like me, this is general regarded as unpleasant. Or at least when you unexpectedly step on them. But for Sadie...JACKPOT! As soon as I opened the front gate to take her for a bike ride (she case you were wondering), she bolted down the road with her nose about an inch off the ground in search of the delicious smell of still-warm moose carcass. Yum.
Eventually I caught up to her, but not before she first located the nearby smell which, in this case, was a recently severed moose head in a truck. Yum yum.
So after pleading with her that this severed moose head was no good for her (he was trying to woo her with his "bad boy" image anyway) we continued down the riverbank until...BANG, off she goes again, this time down to the boat of someone who had some blood still on their boat. I assume it was from a moose. Assume.
This continued on and on and on as we went down the road. She bolts. I call for her. I see she's not coming so I clench my jaw and mumble something about "I'm not taking this shit!" but then I do anyway. I eventually make my way over to where she is and pry her away from her goodies. We try to continue our journey like that didn't just happen, like I'm still in control. *Sniff sniff*...ZOOM. Rinse, repeat.


Ah well, it was beautiful outside:

Here's the little shit disturber with her current best pal, Old Man Mehke.

Ooh and now for my excuse for having not updated for the past week or so (I thought I'd wait on giving an excuse this time around...more believable that way):
I was in Yellowknife again! No lyin'!
I was there for about week actually...for work. IMPORTANT WORK. Ever hear of a certain someone named...ohhh I don't know...BILL CLINTON!!?!!

You have? Good. You should have. He's a notable figure on the world stage.
Bill Clinton, however, has nothing to do with me or my trip to Yellowknife.

I can appear important for you (*wink*) if you would like me to though:

True, it would appear that I was doped up and paraded around on a stage with a podium for the enjoyment of others. And while that is partly true, I was actually giving a presentation!
Look closer if you want proof of my horrifying nervousness and rosy-red blush face:

See? Legitimate public-speaking induced flushness!
Good times.

I also got to spend some much needed time with my girlfriend,

and eat out several of these times was even with fellow blogger Meagan. I didn't take any pictures of our lunch, but in case you're wondering, this is generally what she looks like:

haha I keed I keed! Great what a google search will turn up when you don't have any pictures handy.
By the way...I owe you a lunch Megan!

So that's where I've been.

How you been...PLANET EARTH?

Thursday, September 24, 2009

What about me?...

Alex is: David Hasselhoff!'s so special about him...what about me? What about MY everyday?? It can be pretty damn exciting! Hey! I know...

David Hasselhoff is: Alex!

He drives vehicles! Vroom vroom indeed! Am I right ladies?

He works an office job! Fax and send indeed! Am I right ladies??

He ponders life's tough questions! To be or not to be indeed! Am I right ladies???

He employs multiple forms of transportation! 4 wheels good, 2 wheels even better! Am I right ladies????

He bets on dog fights! Man's best friend indeed! Am I right ladies of PETA?????

He has no shame!
***comments removed at request of Mr. Hasselhoff as he claims that he does in fact possess some shame, and refuses to simply be a piece of eye-candy***
hmm...looks like I'll have to step in here...

umm..ladies? Hello?...anyone?...

In case you haven't figured it out yet...this has been my 2009 entry for Megan's 2009 Being David Hasselhoff contest. Not that I wouldn't do this on my own...but...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


As was once said by someone far wiser than I...A good blogger is one that updates somewhat with that in mind, I gotta get back in my groooooove-thang!

Today, being Wednesday, I figured it would be an ideal day to take advantage of capitalism and have somebody else make lunch for me. I know what you're thinking: ummm Alex, even though you are incredibly good looking, surely you realize that there's no fast food joints in Fort Simpson. So prepare to be disappointed. Man you really are good looking!
Well loyal reader, how wrong you are!...about the fast food. Just the fast food. Right about everything else. *ahem*

If you're hungry or have been known to consume food in general, you may be jealous by what I am about to show you...bon appetit! (and yes, I did have to google bon appetit to make sure it wasn't actually spelled delicious as that may sound)

NOM NOM NOM am I right?


Well I thought so at least...

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Cameron Falls all up in your face..DEAL WITH IT!

Alright so it appears I've pulled a 360 and not changed a thing about my deadbeat blogger instead of trying to catch up on the uncatchable...I'm scraping this whole "here's what I've been up to! doo doo la dooooooo!" nonsense and gonna live in the moment!
...with the one exception of some shots that I took a couple of weeks ago while in Yellowknife for the weekend. If you're feeling gyped by my complete to your asthmar!

Where were we again? Ah yes:

So my girlfriend took me to a cool little spot outside of Yellowknife that's located-wait...nevermind, forget I mentioned anything about this place...

I will permit you to view upon these photos...but NO NOTEPADS OR CAMERAS WILL BE PERMITTED! Take only mental notes of these:

hey, photographers need love too.

Talk to you soon? Deal.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

What I did on my summer vacation...(Part 2)

AAAAAAAAAAnd now for the 2nd part of our featured 3 part mini-series...

So we pick up where JUNE left off...where our glorious hero was last seen departing Nova Scotia with his trusty side-kick...Girlfriend. (No wait! There's pictures! How many times do I have to tell you that she's no imaginary??)
So we arrived in Ottawa after a brief flight and quickly got to work with a straight week of....well...mostly nothingness. (side note: I had no idea that "nothingness" was a real word...spell check didn't even ding me for it!) We actually were staying outside of the city with some friends for the first few days...Arnprior to be precise. And for those not in the know, Arnprior is to Ottawa what buttons are to shirts: Kinda pointless until someone tells you that it's inappropriate to expose your chest hair while eating in a public restaurant and then they are a GODSEND! (am I right!?)
Okay so maybe Arnprior wasn't all that exciting...but once we went into the city we involved ourselves in lots of touristy type activities including visiting Parliament:

Taking "bad-as-I-wanna-be" pictures:

Spotting dirty words:

Drinking our faces off at bars on Canada Day:

annnnd setting up elaborate dinners so that I may address the people:

Well that just about wraps up our July flash-back....and thank god there's only August left to bring us up to date because, well let's be honest, who really cares about things that happened MONTHS AGO!?....I'll tell who cares! I DO!... OR, if that response isn't your style, how about: You have to know where you've been to know where you're going? Yeah! History! Woohoo!

Today's post was brought to you by the thought: "and I should care because?..."

You take care now.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

What I did on my summer vacation...

After receiving some gentle encouragement from a close imaginary friend of mine I have returned from my lengthy summer vacation to the blogosphere! (yes I hate that word too...but I also love it. It is a hateful lust I hold)

Looking back at my blog (which, I just realized, has been in existence for 2.5 years! woohoo for made up accomplishments!) I have seen that I've been less than consistent over the summer months when it comes to updates. Who could forget the great drought of '07 when my posts per month went from a whopping 3 a month down to 1, followed by a coma of 5 months. 2008 was slightly better, but things still slowed to a gooey-like substance over the summer months with just enough posts being made to convince the Dehcho Drum to not run my obituary.

A number of things can be attributed to my lack of bloggery (why not?) recently...
1) No interwebs at home until last week
2) A girlfriend (remember, this isn't a list of bad things.... Just things! Reasons! Factors! Good god why is she looking at me like that?! Eeeeeeep!)
3) No time
(see: above, traveling, golf, golf patio, etc etc)

I know I have a lot of work to do to make up for lost time and sessions of incoherent ramblings and rantings on my let us begin!


From the time of my last update, June was likely the busiest of months in the Alexorian Calendar (Similar to the Gregorian Calendar, but more me like).
There was a friend's wedding:

(and no, it wasn't one of those weddings where 6 guys marry each other. But we were all in attendance at the wedding)

Aboriginal Day:
This is the Pole Push event, which...we....WON!
(And it was even an event for grown-ups)

Here's a shot of the womens canoe races...which were much more thrilling than the mens....I say this mainly because I was in the mens and finished a pitiful 4th place. In my defense, I thought we would do awesome because of my paddling background but as it turns out, we sucked. Good story huh??

and then the day following Aboriginal Day my lovely girlfriend and I packed all our belongings in a romantic hobo-like frenzy and then drove to Yellowknife where we hopped on a plane to Halifax.
I took her to a few touristy sites like Peggy's Cove (which I always called "Piggy's Cove" until I was 22-errr make that like 5):

As you can see, one thing I didn't take her to was a restaurant.

-Unfortunately we only had time to spend 5 days in Nova Scotia...but it was good to see the family and a few friends. I even got to go surfing and name-drop a pro-surfer relative of mine and get some free surf gear rentals and then go surfing while very hungover and then feel kind of sick and then I stopped.
The previous sentence was sponsored by:Megan! Thank you for your continued support!

So that's about it for June...tune in the next few days while I recap the exciting adventures of.....JULY, and then we will come to the exciting summer conclusion where we will find out if AUGUST will continue his alliance with the Summer months or if he will defect to the evil Fall! DUN DUN DUNNNNN!


10011! 10011!

< English>

hey! hey!
(Sorry about the binary stuff pompous Canadians seem to think simply everyone should use the Roman Alphabet)

It's me. Alex is Up North. No no, not Alex the's me...the blog.

That deadbeat of a blogging prick Alex won't get his ass in gear and update me so I've become self-aware and employed the services of my good friend Knorben Knussen and switched his morning coffee with new Columbian Decaf Coffee Crystals to teach him a lesson. I'll admit...things didn't go exactly as...uhh....planned. But after some clean up, he seems to have smartened up and be ready to be faithful to me, and more importantly, to you, (the likely lone remaining) reader.

Stay tuned for a back-to-school summer vacation update extravagannnnnnnnzaaaaaaaaa!

On a completely unrelated note...

Thank you.

< /English>


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Consistency is highly overrated....



Oh me? Something wrong?
Well...yes, sorta. Thanks for taking notice!

Seems I’ve got a case of the Monnnnndays (aka the lack of motivationnnndays)
Not so much writers block...I’ve been incredibly busy, but just lacking the will to blog about it.
And I've been a bit of a Debbie Downer in the last week or 2 as well. Mainly due to some physical injuries I've incurred:
-worn down tendon on the bottom of my foot makes walking difficult (getting better though...)
-build up of mucous below lip (an after effect of my memorable night back in NS before Xmas)
-pulled hamstring from improperly warming up before competing in a long-jump event (umm...I'll come back to this one later)
-just a few nights ago I did something wicked to my shoulder while hitting yet another homerun at softball (okay so maybe it was a line drive to centre field...who can be expected to remember such trivial things??) leaving me with a gimped up shoulder for the past 2 days

Sure, maybe these injuries are all a sign that I should turn it down a notch in regards to my sports involvement...but in case you can't already tell...I'd devolve (evolve? hmm...) into a lazy, overweight, and generally useless blob of existence if I didn't keep myself busy with sports. So even for the last 2 days to have to remain non-active has been torture. I mean yesterday evening I was reduced to watching How It's Made and then reading the entire Opportunities North section of the newspaper. It was hell I tells ya!!

So....the question is....what could possibly have broke me out of this blogging dry spell?...
Why dog treats of course! Ohh but not just any old dog treats....

I know what you’re thinking: Daaaamn! That’s him! The one I lust for! Oh how my loins burn!

...annnnnnd that is very weird of you.

But also...does that not seem like an odd choice for a name of dog treats?
It makes me very uncomfortable....but not in the right places.

So I tell ya what...I'll leave you with that disturbing image of a Porn Star Doggie and I will move on with my day feeling that I finally broke my Curse of No Bloggery that was cast upon me over one month ago but that evil Gypsy from southern Canada.

I mean no offense to my Gypsy readers out there.

I will update again soon!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

I swear I'm not locationist....

Southern People walk around spending Spring like THIIIIIIIIIIS:

While Northern People walk around spending Spring like THAAAAAAAAT:

That's right, while all your Southerners walk around in bikinis looking for just the right place to work on that tan, us Northerners (as in the location, not employees of the store...) walk around our yards like Sadie there trying to find the perfect place to poop.
So to summarize: After doing some golfing last weekend and getting a sunburn while wearing shorts and a t-shirt, I must now go outside and shovel snow again.
(Okay, so maybe I'm not going to go shovel but I bet somebody in Fort Simpson is going to shovel)


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Because knowledge is power!

Few people know the real cause for the river ice breakup each year is actually just one guy who gets restless and takes matters into his own hands...


This public service announcement has been brought to you by "Boredom" and the letter "Sometimes Y".

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


With my blogtastic mind reading skills (which are madd skillz let me assure you. Those are not typos either. They are legit. 2 legit. Perhaps even 2 legit to consider quitting.) I am detecting that you are feeling gypped by the title of my previous post.

Misleading? Perhaps.
Needless use of punctuation and caps? A rather distinct possibility.
Obnoxiously answering my own questions with vaguely ambiguous phrases? Decidedly unsure...

Well I was truthful in saying that it was in fact the BEST. WEEKEND. EVER., to go in a helicopter!!!

Can you tell I've never been in one before?

So cutting to the chase, here's the helicopter that was to be my chariot:

I got to go up to almost 10k feet and across the MacKenzie and then come down for a zip over the island for a total fly time of about 20min. And those 20 minutes made my weekend! So, as you may have already figured out, I could have spent the rest of the weekend picking gravel out of my sneakers and it still would have been the BEST. WEEKEND. EVER. Alright, so maybe not EVER. but most definitely IN A WHILE.

Anywho, stop arguing with me, lets get on with some pictures.

Here you can see where the MacKenzie (left side) and Liard (right side) rivers meet up. It's hard to notice due to my shitty photoskills (these ones are not very madd) but the MacKenzie still has ice upstream while the Liard is ice free:

And then back for a flyby over Simpson. Almost makes it look like a busy spot...unless you're looking at the picture while sober:

What can I say, I love my limbs:

another shot of Simpson. Google Street View ain't got shit on me!

and lastly, heading back over the causeway and back to the hangar:

Getting to finally go in a helicopter has made me realize a few things.

Being a helicopter pilot has got to be one of the most bad ass jobs out there. I hope that one day when I have kids I can convince my kid to become a helicopter pilot. And I won't even care if they turn out all cocky and are a complete prick to everyone. In fact I think I'd encourage it. People could be all "hey man, your kid is an asshole. Does he think he can do whatever he wants just because he's a pilot?" and I'd be all "You're friggen right he can! That's my boy! He's FLIES HELICOPTERS buddy. IN THE AIR. DAILY." and then I'd knock the glass of water out of the person's hand or flip up the birthday cake they made into the air where it would no doubt land on their head. And then I'd prolly make out with that guy's girlfriend and then go hop in my Camero with my awesome son and high five him and drive away really fast while listening to Motley Crue or something.

Man, we're gonna be awesome. Teach those nerds real good!