Thursday, January 22, 2009

Confessions of a beard grower...

Alright so I better just come out with it. Despite what I have fought tooth and nail to deny on a monthly basis to all those around me (including myself I think), I....Alex Campbell...want to grow a beard.
There! It's out! Damn, that feels good. Not good like my attempts at growing a beard though. Because those hurts. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and socially. For one, it itches! But not in a good "I want to scratch you like a turntable so that it makes a funky beat and the people wanna dance" itchy, more like "someone please kill me now! I will pay you money" kind of way.

Any attempt to grow facial hair have provided benefits that are moderate at best. It was my understanding that I would gain the respect of men everywhere, the dates of women nationwide, the awe of local teenagers (who would be jealous to no end no doubt. I can hear it now..."I want to be like that guy when I grow older"), and last but most certainly not least, I would hold the ungodly beard-wielding power of being able to make babies cry with a mere glance.
Instead, although I think this may have something to do with my lack of beard growing ability (see: it always looks like I was rubbing a glue stick on my face and then I fell into a pile of hair at a barber shop, except that I did I horrible job of applying said glue to face), I just become the ridicule of teenagers, the scoffing subject of men in town with real beards, and I make babies pleasantly content with their lives. Not the effect I was going for!

Let's take a look at the attempts to date so far (or the ones that have yielded to the power of photography anyway):

Now...that....just doesn't look good. What's next?

Okay...okay...I see what you were going for there...yeah but no. Not good. Hmm, I see the beard growing is taking a toll on the rest of your face as well. I think we might have one more to look at...

Hey! Yeah! Lookin' good! You pulled it off! WOW. Completely WOW!...but hey, wait a minute...that's not a beard! You knew the rules! I don't care how dashing and utterly masculine you look there, that is NOT a beard. No dice, chico.


But I am definitely up against some stiff competition, so it may not have been the best idea to start attempting to enter the world of beards while living in Fort Simpson. You want beards? Kick ass beards? Come up north! You'll find a bunch of rough looking guys who grow beards that make disguise kit designers stop on the street and go "heyyyyyyy!"
After all, the north is synonymous with beards. Snow, cold, and beards.
In fact, until very recently the word "north" did not exist. There was merely "beard".

But getting back to me (because we all know I don't do enough talking about me) just ain't happening! I mean geez, my dad's nickname growing up was even "Bushy" cause of the kickass sideburns/beard he had. When is Alex's turn to have a facial hair related nickname?? *sigh*

Hey...I wonder how tough it is to get a "being awesome" related nickname? Hmm....

-and Project: Be More Awesome now begins...


Tina said...

Have faith. It took Rob forever to grow a beard. You just need a thin one like Robs. But please, for the love of all of us who read, DO NOT JUST GROW A MUSTACHE. Seriously, as a fellow Bluenoser we have a common bond so I can tell you this from the bottom of my heart (or somewhere near it)... do the full beard, goatee or nothing. Mustaches honk. (Of course this is said with love)

Ferry Tales said...

Ooh, ooh! I have a facial hair-related nickname for you!


I LOVED this post, by the way. You're hilarious.

Mongoose said...

And you never even met Alex Cazon. He had a beard and long hair. You'd have been just green with hair envy.

Boo said...

Bonjour B...

My nickname for you will be:


Please for the love of Sadie (and anyone with eyeballs for that matter...) SHAVE!!!

If you continue on with this beard growing voyage I will be forced to call you by your nickname everytime I see your face....and I will do it.

Nice try though. Give it 10-15 years and maybe, just maybe you'll get there.

Boo said...

Pee Ess..

Nothing but love..

Matthew and Michele said...


Funny post.