Thursday, May 14, 2009

I swear I'm not locationist....

Southern People walk around spending Spring like THIIIIIIIIIIS:

While Northern People walk around spending Spring like THAAAAAAAAT:

That's right, while all your Southerners walk around in bikinis looking for just the right place to work on that tan, us Northerners (as in the location, not employees of the store...) walk around our yards like Sadie there trying to find the perfect place to poop.
So to summarize: After doing some golfing last weekend and getting a sunburn while wearing shorts and a t-shirt, I must now go outside and shovel snow again.
(Okay, so maybe I'm not going to go shovel but I bet somebody in Fort Simpson is going to shovel)


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Because knowledge is power!

Few people know the real cause for the river ice breakup each year is actually just one guy who gets restless and takes matters into his own hands...


This public service announcement has been brought to you by "Boredom" and the letter "Sometimes Y".

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


With my blogtastic mind reading skills (which are madd skillz let me assure you. Those are not typos either. They are legit. 2 legit. Perhaps even 2 legit to consider quitting.) I am detecting that you are feeling gypped by the title of my previous post.

Misleading? Perhaps.
Needless use of punctuation and caps? A rather distinct possibility.
Obnoxiously answering my own questions with vaguely ambiguous phrases? Decidedly unsure...

Well I was truthful in saying that it was in fact the BEST. WEEKEND. EVER., to go in a helicopter!!!

Can you tell I've never been in one before?

So cutting to the chase, here's the helicopter that was to be my chariot:

I got to go up to almost 10k feet and across the MacKenzie and then come down for a zip over the island for a total fly time of about 20min. And those 20 minutes made my weekend! So, as you may have already figured out, I could have spent the rest of the weekend picking gravel out of my sneakers and it still would have been the BEST. WEEKEND. EVER. Alright, so maybe not EVER. but most definitely IN A WHILE.

Anywho, stop arguing with me, lets get on with some pictures.

Here you can see where the MacKenzie (left side) and Liard (right side) rivers meet up. It's hard to notice due to my shitty photoskills (these ones are not very madd) but the MacKenzie still has ice upstream while the Liard is ice free:

And then back for a flyby over Simpson. Almost makes it look like a busy spot...unless you're looking at the picture while sober:

What can I say, I love my limbs:

another shot of Simpson. Google Street View ain't got shit on me!

and lastly, heading back over the causeway and back to the hangar:

Getting to finally go in a helicopter has made me realize a few things.

Being a helicopter pilot has got to be one of the most bad ass jobs out there. I hope that one day when I have kids I can convince my kid to become a helicopter pilot. And I won't even care if they turn out all cocky and are a complete prick to everyone. In fact I think I'd encourage it. People could be all "hey man, your kid is an asshole. Does he think he can do whatever he wants just because he's a pilot?" and I'd be all "You're friggen right he can! That's my boy! He's FLIES HELICOPTERS buddy. IN THE AIR. DAILY." and then I'd knock the glass of water out of the person's hand or flip up the birthday cake they made into the air where it would no doubt land on their head. And then I'd prolly make out with that guy's girlfriend and then go hop in my Camero with my awesome son and high five him and drive away really fast while listening to Motley Crue or something.

Man, we're gonna be awesome. Teach those nerds real good!

Monday, May 11, 2009


It's true! Although predictions were skeptical for the Awesome to Not-Awesome Ratio for the weekend, the outcome defied all logic.

On Friday, at an ambitious 4:30am, the ice finally broke on the MacKenzie River as a result of the flowing Liard River! Although I was off by a mere 12 hours in my pick on the office Ice Break-up Pool, it was an exciting day none the less. Most of the village was down on the river watching the ice go, and umm, not at work. Kind of an unofficial civic holiday if you will!
It was almost as if some sort of uber-celebrity was making a surprise visit to Simpson with the amount of rumors that were flying about over the river for the last week.

I heard the river was going to go tonight! Yeah, tonight!
I heard the river isn't even going to break this year! Something about global warming...
Did you know that "MacKenzie" isn't even its real name?
I heard the river is gay! No seriously.

annnnnd so on in this manner until that fateful moment on Friday morning when the wooden tri-pod setup on the river collapsed, signaling the movement of the ice. (Is it sad that the use of the wooden tripod is common knowledge to all residents here? I think NOT)
Here's a shot of the river around noon on Friday...where the ice was mostly still together:

and then starting to have some open water:

Of course with the breakup also comes the rising water, and rise it did! (gawwwrsh)
There was a flood watch going on to notify us Simpsonites about a possible evacuation if the water level reached 14 metres. Unfortunately, it only reached a little over 13 metres. So maybe it's not right to hope for a local state of emergency, but I love the excitement that kind of thing brings! When I was in Halifax for Hurricane Juan and White Juan (arg, that name for the blizzard just sounds so lame) it was really fascinating how everything shut down and everyone really came together. A bonding experiencing for an entire city if you will.
So like I said, the water did come up a bit, with some gee-wiz spillage of ice:

not that any of this impressed Sadie of course:

To sum up the general excitement felt all throughout Fort Simpson on Friday, I will leave you with this picture:

Fitting, yes?

Gotta love this place! (YOU MUST)

Monday, May 4, 2009


Need I say more?

Okay so maybe I do need to say a bit more...

Feeling a bit frustrated by the lack of respect shown on the part of several (I assume) people in Fort Simpson. I went to the Friendship Centre last night to go work out (they have the weight room...see it's not weird) and what do I walk in to? Whyyyy a completely trashed gym of course!
Now I'm well aware that the gym was by no means luxurious in the first place, but hey, it's passable.
Now: shattered mirror, broken vodka bottles everywhere, and to cap it all off, our generous renovators decided to take a hammer to a number of items in there including the walls and the stereo. Bravo. Nice touch!

I've walked in there a number of times and had to pick up trash and weights, and I don't even mind when there's new graffiti, but this is getting to be a bit much.
Whenever I'm talking with a fellow dedicated weight room goer, we always get to talking about what could be done to improve the gym. Maybe a swipe-card system? Security camera? Change of location? Nobody can ever really come to a conclusion, especially so since there isn't exactly a ton of revenue being brought in by the membership fees. Makes me think that what will likely happen is the place will just get run into the ground and then the Friendship Centre will close the place. It's especially frustrating because we can never really justify asking the Friendship Centre to purchase some new items as they'll just be stolen or trashed. A number of people have even brought in their own items to better the place (equipment, stereo, etc) but of course, they've been stolen or broken.

Why do people do these things?
(Okay I'm not completely oblivious, I have a slight idea as to why, but even still it's just a tad frustrating...)

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Still waiting on my hoverboard...

Until then I'll have to settle for my HoverSadie:

My hoverboard arrived! Oddly enough, it looks startlingly similar to a pair of snowshoes...

It also came with a Not Quite Cool Picture Effect But Sort Of Neat, I Guess synthesizer (what? That's the name on the box. I wouldn't lie to you.)

Happy Saturday...TO YOU

One for all the Megans out there...

Okay so maybe it's just for one Megan in particular. Here's a sign from my local (aka only) weight room:

Is it a limerick? A soliloquy? Poor grammar? Or just flat out bad formatting? Whatever it is, it's beyond me.