Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Tuesday night phone conversations...

So my girlfriend and I had a discussion tonight...and I was left feeling very....unresolved. We had to leave it at the pathetically pacifistic conclusion of "agree to disagree I guess!"

Okay so here's the scenario:
**any changes in the wording of following discussion, while likely to be in my favour, are completely unintentional

Anyway, my gf mentioned something about her nose being really irritated, and I mentioned that perhaps it was from her sniffing so much tobacco. Somehow, she took offence to this, claiming that she doesn't snort tobacco. She claimed she doesn't associate with tobacco at all. AT ALL! Oh sure I believed her...but I had to be sure...
So I ran her through just about every tobacco related product I could think of: using a hookah, using tobacco to feed the fire, pass somebody a solitary cigarette, buying a person a pack of smokes as their dying wish, etc etc etc...
Nuh uh she proclaimed.
I will never touch tobacco! she would go on to trumpet.

Naturally, I took it one step further.

"What were in the bathroom, crippled with horrible diarrhea, and I was lying in bed smoking a cigar and I just happened to be wearing a t-shirt made of tissue paper and then I fell asleep. Then, because you had taken some Pepto-Bismol, you returned to the bedroom and saw me with a lit cigar smoldering on my tissue paper t-shirt, about to BURST INTO FLAMES, and I was sound asleep...WHAT WOULD YOU DO!???!

She first had some bizarre questions about why on Earth did she have such horrible diarrhea, why was I smoking a cigar in bed, and why was I wearing a tissue paper t-shirt.

Being the great person that I am, I allowed these questions and even answered them:
1)...okay I will come back to this

2) My favourite basketball team won the NBA championship! I had to smoke a celebratory cigar.

3) I was eating wings earlier in the night and was so excited about the championship that I couldn't possibly be expected to remove my tissue paper t-shirt. Hey come on, I bet there's a place out there with tissue paper t-shirts.

back to 1) She had diarrhea because she was also so excited about the NBA championship that it caused her to have rampant indigestion.

Now that those were out of the way...I asked her again: WHAT WOULD YOU DO!?!
She said something about just throwing a glass of water on me.

I know. How conveeeeeeeeeeeenient that there just happened to be a glass of water nearby. Yeesh.

Anyway, I gave her that one. But then, theoretically anyway, the fire department would call to see what had happened to see if everything was taken care of. She said the fire was all out. But then, and quite smartly I might add, the fire fighter asked her if she had removed the source of the fire...aka the cigar. She then said that if that was the exact scenario that YES, she would PICK UP THE (tobacco filled) CIGAR!

See! I knew she would crack!!

And yes, I too wonder why she still talks to me sometimes. Actually, make that all the time.


Anonymous said...

interesting read this morning Alex, it made me giggle..amoungst other thoughts.

Anonymous said...

Keep it up and she'll just leave you to smolder!

April said...

I think she should ignore the fire and just slap you for being annoying :D

Rob, Tina and the boys said...

You rock.

Dawn said...

that was hilarious

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